Children Coming Home July 26, 2009

Shannon with one of her new best friends from Macedonia.

Four of my five kids are home, after a long two weeks with only one or two here at a time.

I have yet to process this comletely, but when we were riding home from the airport, together again, I realized how completely incapacitated I have felt this week. I was physically sick, yes; but that wasn’t necessarily kid related (“Or WAS it???” asks a maniacal voice, sounding somewhat like my subliminal self….)

My four oldest children were gone, and I became incomplete.

Before my mom calls me up to tell me I’d better get used to it – that they’re going to all leave eventually – let me say that I’m prepared for that. In fact, although I miss Sarah, there’s something very natural about her absence. She’s 18. She just graduated. It’s time for her to fly.

But because motherhood and its responsibilities have dictated my every choice, every action, especially in the few years, this felt like a huge, gaping, sudden and unexpected wound. Even though it wasn’t.

Makes me wonder how ready you can ever be to watch someone walk away. Even if you’re sure they’re coming back.

Makes me wonder what lies underneath all that’s labeled “MOM” in me. Even though I’ve always been pretty sure I knew.

I’m a lot less certain of that than I expected I’d ever be.

Temporarily Changed Dynamics July 21, 2009

This week I’ve had time to wonder how my life might have been different.

If I’d had only one child.

If David had no siblings.

If I’d had my last child first.

If I didn’t work with Brian Hughes.

If I had to drive across the river for work every day.

If I didn’t seem to eat as an emotional outlet.

If I wasn’t relatively healthy.

With just David at home, it’s been fascinating to see the different dynamic. He’s calm and gentle and quiet. He doesn’t mind being alone. He’s a wonderful, warm kid. I think he spends his ‘normal’ life getting lost in the shuffle. I’ve enjoyed this time, and it prompts a huge desire in me to do better by him.

Brian is on vacation this week, and without the dynamic of our work relationship I can see a difference of sorts – in meetings, in energy level, in adrenaline, in intensity. I’m not sure what life and work would really be like for me without that partnership; I don’t think I’d be doing what I’m doing.

Taking David to Art Camp at Hope Church this week and loving the rhythm of getting up and getting on 288 every morning. I’m sure it gets tiring after a while, but it’s a new routine and I like it.

I’m not very hungry this week. I think I’m usually not really hungry, but that I eat out of stress nad nervous-ness and just all-the-stuff-going-on. I feel better. Healthier.

Frustrated, waiting on some results of medical tests that will give me some answers about some funky physical issues I’ve been having. The doctor seems to be in no hurry to get back to me, but I was told before I left last week that something was wrong. I’m not enjoying the wait. Tell me now. Please.

Reading this book this week; John Irving was always one of my favorite authors. The World According to Garp came out when I was in high school and it was a defining moment for me, meeting those characters. I even bought a Garp t-shirt and wore it – frequently – to school. Can’t quite get into this book – after Owen Meany and The Cider House Rules, it’s been tougher to stay focused on his novels. But I’m giving it a good try.

Thinking a lot about the letter Paul wrote to the Colossians this week, too. Good stuff.

So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective. Your old life is dead. Your new life, which is your real life—even though invisible to spectators—is with Christ in God. He is your life. Colossians 3.1-3

Trying to look up. I think it matters.

Looking Back – July 2006 July 20, 2009

Here’s another blast from the past; dated July, 2006, here’s a look back at what my kids were doing – and how I felt about it – three years ago. Some things don’t change a whole lot…

My children have surpassed me in experience; they have done this thing you see in the photo above (though those are some other mother’s kids in this photo – my kid took the picture). All four of the older kids rapelled down either a 40 foot or 70 foot drop while at camp this week. I’m stunned. I’m glad I wasn’t there to watch; I’d have chewed my fingernails off and peed myself, probably simultaneously.

I picked them up this morning and was initially a bit unnerved by the laid-back, old-fashioned environment at the closing assembly. Southern Baptist sponsored, it was simple and fundamental – somewhat cheesey. Lots of happy smiles and a declaration of the number of rededications and salvations read by the camp leader (Baptists love numbers, as I recall…) They sang several old worship songs, played energetically by the leaders but sung reluctantly by the campers.

However, as the morning went on, the energy level quickly rose. The power point show elicited cheers and screams as the kids had a quick tour down memory lane, and the parents and friends caught a glimpse of what they’d been doing all week, and how they’d looked doing it.

On the way home, and even after we sat down for dinner, I heard them relate every silly camp song ever sung, tales of rain storms and mountain climbing, emotional conversations, bonds with younger children, songs inspired by the week and the mountains and some unbelieveable interaction between my kids.

They have shared something together as siblings that will serve them well as they grow into adulthood. Another step towards independence, I guess; memories made and experiences shared that built strength and a committment towards one another. It’s very weird that I wasn’t there at all, only to drop them off and pick them up.

They had a great time.

Love Like That June 27, 2009

I woke up this morning after the best night’s sleep I’ve had in weeks.

All three of my girls have been gone all week long. Sarah is still making her way around her new (albeit temporary) life in Germany, with new friends and strong new bonds with family. Shannon and Sydni have been in Knoxville all week with the World Changers group.

David was with a friend Thursday night and Daniel went up to see his dad in Mechanicsville. Last night, both boys stayed with their dad.

So I had the house to myself.

It is striking to note the difference in my life, my mind, my way of thinking – pretty much EVERYTHING – when there are no children in the house. I miss them – sort of – but I also have this sense of reclaiming my self. Longer, coherent thought processes. A complete night’s sleep. No energy extended towards managing their lives, spurring them on to good deeds, referreeing disputes. A little less clutter, only my own trail of life left in the various rooms of the house.

Oh, and the laundry’s done!

I love them deeply, profoundly. And when I get a moment to breathe, it seems that I can love them from afar in a way that allows me to find myself outside of that love, rather than immersed and overwhelmed by the actions it requires. That’s a fresh perspective for me. It’s easier, sometimes.

Peterson’s take on a bit from Ephesians in the Bible is interesting:

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behavior from their parents. Mostly what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself to us. Love like that.” Ephesians 5.1-2 The Message

“Mostly what God does is love you.”

Love can be exhausting, in the ‘giving everything’ and the extravagance. It can be costly. If I’m to take this seriously, it seems that framing the intensity and distraction of my day-to-day life as a parent within the context of extravagant love alters the context somewhat. Rather than claim the current quiet of my house and my mind as ‘normal’and the object of aspiration, perhaps I should consider it nothing more than refueling, refreshing and rest for the next round of love.

Like that.

It’s A New Season June 20, 2009

This is Sarah, in Germany.

I’m so happy for her – what a terrific opportunity! We saw her off last week at Dulles – watched her walk through security and into a great adventure. I cried – just a little.

But when I saw this picture – capturing that somewhat shy smile, in a place I’ve never stood, I realized that my little girl is gone for what feels like a very long time.

And I cried – a lot.

But it’s a good thing, isn’t it – this changing of seasons, this growth and unfolding of a young life? She has so much to experience.

And my seat for this ride is a privileged one – and unique to me.

A new season of motherhood. It comes with some tears, but a great newfound joy as well.

And again, I know that I am, indeed, blessed.

The Power Of Music March 9, 2009

Doing some reading this morning, I came across this interesting bit of research (via this blog):

“(Among young adolescents) high exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex in popular music was independently associated with higher levels of sexual behavior. In fact, exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex was one of the strongest associations with sexual activity…” – Science Daily

This study seems to underscore the “DUH” factor that would come with simple common sense.  If kids are listening to lots of verbage that talks frankly and graphically about sex, they’re going to be interested in having sex.

Duh.

Read that quote again:  the highest association with sexual activity in the study group (ninth grade kids, by the way) was “exposure to lyrics describing degrading sex.”  It’s not R movies, it’s not TV, it’s not what their friends are doing or not doing – it’s what they’re listening to.

Go read the article here.

And that adjective “degrading”?  Think that’s off the spectrum?  Think again.  Directly from the blog I read today, here’s a few choice lyrics from the artists who were the nominees for Nickelodeon’s 2009 Kids’ Choice Awards:

Beyonce
“Now take it off while I watch you perform.” (Suga Mama)
Chris Brown
“Let’s get and make love on Venus.” (Gimme Whatcha Got)
Alicia Keys
“So maybe we can go to first base because I feel you.” (Teenage Love Affair)
Jesse McCartney
“Spend the night with me and I’ll rock you.” (Rock You)
Katy Perry
“I kissed a girl just to try it/I hope my boyfriend don’t mind it.” (I Kissed a Girl)
Pussycat Dolls
“I can get off when you ain’t around.” (I Don’t Need a Man)
Rihanna
“What you got up in them jeans? Put it on me, or get lonely.” (Lemme Get That)
Kid Rock
“That little p**** l***** finger f***** h* a** c***.” (F*** U Blind)
T-Pain
“She was s***** on me. And I was l***** on her.” (69)

I’m not advocating that we boycott Beyonce – I love some of her music.  I like Chris Brown.  I am not suggesting that anybody ought to ban kids from listening to this stuff.  But we’d better not stick our heads in the sand about the power of what’s on their iPod.  

I’m writing as a parent here.  I have four teenagers, and one of my greatest hopes is that they make good, healthy choices as they mature – spiritual, emotional and physical.  They don’t live in a cave – they’re exposed to a good bit of popular culture.  They love music; it’s a powerful influence on them and an outlet for expression.  And as a parent, I’ve got to be informed about what it is that’s influencing them so powerfully.

I want to influence my kids against having sex – not because it’s sinful and it will send them to the pit of hell, but because of the consequences – spiritual, emotional and physical.  I’m not sure I can identify one single benefit of early sexual activity, other than the instantaneous physical gratification.  It’s all downhill from there.  I want the best for my kids, and having sex at this point in their lives is not it.  They have the power to choose; they can make the opportunity should they so desire – but I’ve got to do the best I can to guide and influence them to make healthy decisions. That’s my responsibility.

Maybe you disagree with me as a parent; maybe you’re happy for your kid to be getting some at the tender age of 15. Or 14.  Plenty of them are, you know.

Check out their playlist.  Start a conversation.  Have a frank discussion.  Talk about it.  It’s worth the effort.  And, if you’re a parent, it’s your job.

Happy Birthday Sarah December 18, 2008

Today is my eldest daughter’s 18th birthday.  It would be most appropriate to share cute baby pictures, but, alas, I have none digitized.  So her latest family escapade will have to suffice.

Sarah is one of the most dynamic, passionate, loyal and charismatic people I know.  I see in her a fiery blend of her God-given kindness and patience mixed with the result of her circumstances – the authoritative leadership of a first born, the ability to express herself through a variety of musical venues, incredible communication skills.  Sarah is a beautiful young woman, with delicate features and a gentleness to her appearance that sometimes masks her fierce tenacity and passion.

She is a joy, often a surprise.  Life with Sarah means you are on your toes and never subjected to boredom.  She seizes life with intensity.  To witness the processing of her relationships, her challenges, the things she loves, the things that make her crazy, is to witness a creativity and humanity that is really unique.

It’s hard to talk about one’s child objectively.  Once, Sarah told me that I too often erred on the side of encouraging her and being proud of her for the things she does - particularly when they occur in our world of church and music – rather than who she is.  It’s tough to separate sometimes the idea of her being a fellow musician, co-laborer, and woman with the fact that she is my child and I am her mother.

What a treat it has been.  My first-born, she made me a mother.  She has been a joy.

I feel great excitement and anticipation as she takes this next step towards embracing adulthood.

With her birthday being only one week before Christmas, celebrations get a bit muddy.  This year, we decided that the 18th birthday was reason enough to give Sarah the honor of placing the star upon the tree.  Another family tradition.

She proudly embraced the idea and grabbed the star.

Sarah’s not the tallest of people, so – keeping with tradition – I said I’d pick her up so she could reach the top of the tree.

It was harder than I thought.

With visions of the entire family ending up sprawled atop a collapsed tree, we tried to move forward…

Reaching….reaching…

…and reaching…

Uh……

Eventually we righted the top branches and all was well.

Happy birthday Sarah.  You, like that star, are well-placed, shining brightly and nothing short of perfect.

I love you and I am honored to be your mom.

No More Church Talk December 11, 2008

I haven’t had any down time in a while.  I’m not complaining; it’s a schedule I choose, for work that I love.  But I have gone nonstop for about 2 1/2 weeks now, without a full day off in the lot. I make time for the kids here, a half day shopping with my mom there, etc., but I have not gone 24 hours without working at some level in quite some time.  Again, this is on me – no fault assigned to anybody else.  I choose to stay connected and involved in work every day, without setting aside time for non-church related stuff.

But I’ve reached a point where it’s necessary. Yesterday, while presenting some ideas at staff, I got so frustrated that at one point I clutched my head in my hands (headache. very bad.) and said a bad word.  Admittedly, it was one of the milder bad words; but it was a bad word.  

Now, in many cases, this is not a major issue, unless you weigh in that we are a church staff, and ideally should be a little less colorful with our language.

But I digress…

So much has been happening. I am basically doing two full-time jobs at the moment, in the middle of the Christmas season. I’m energized and excited – wrapping my arms and my brain around a communication strategy that we are designing and implementing, and I love it. I’m executing some decisions at a leadership level that feels very new for me – but one that feels right. I’m talking to a lot more people, working towards inviting them to step up in various areas of responsibility and leadership on our production team.  I’m working harder, differently, more focused.  And I’m still playing the piano and doing music.

It feels good.  In some ways, it’s terrifying – but it seems like a good place to be.

However, there is loss.  The loss is the immense chaos at home. Christmas is two weeks away, and we’re not even close to being able to do any decorating, because the state of the house is such that I can’t imagine piling up more stuff on top of the stuff that’s already littering every room. I’ve not focused much energy on marshalling the troops at home to tidy their rooms, put away their clothes, clean up the bathrooms, etc. We’re getting by, but it seems to be just barely.  They’re good kids, but they are kids, and they need leadership and encouragement and reminding.  Lately, I’ve been giving away all my leadership energy at work.  There’s just not enough left when I get home.

This is not how I want to live.  This is not the right way to live.  This is not fair to my children.

Chaos at home only bothers me when there’s too much other stuff going on. I have to have order somewhere. Often, it’s in my head, through my job. Rarely at home. But when I feel completely overwhelmed, I need order. And yet I feel completely paralyzed to work to achieve this needed structure.

It’s a catch-22.

So, after a day yesterday that stretched from a three hour staff meeting in the morning, cussing at my much-loved coworkers, emailing an apology for said cussing, lunch inhaled while straining over the computer, managing music charts for rehearsals, supervising a graphic design for a January mailer, assimilating information for a big Sunday discipleship promotion, conferencing about a major change in leadership for our video team, leading the music team through prayer and some vision casting, running a two-hour rehearsal for Sunday’s music, followed by another two-hour rehearsal for Christmas Eve music, arriving home at 11:30 PM….and I’m so exhausted I can’t remember where this sentence even began, much less imagine how to end it…

Anyway, I cancelled meetings scheduled for today and declared that I was taking A Day Off. No church stuff.

Tony came by and picked me up for breakfast; as we sat in the booth and I told him all about my day yesterday and everything I’m doing, I stopped abruptly and said, “I’m done. No more church talk. Let’s talk about you.”

So we did. Now I’m back home, with a great opportunity to make a dent in the chaos. Except there’s so much to do that I don’t know where to start.

A nap is much more appealing.

Pray for me, willya? I’ve gotta get some stuff done around here….

Praying For Kids November 6, 2008

Angie Smith has a wonderful blog where she shares stories about her family and her faith.  I came across this excellent post today, and knew that it would be valuable to other parents who are striving to do the best they can with their kids.  For those who do not have children, perhaps this guide who help you pray specifically for kids that you love and care about in your immediate family or your church community.  

Since most of our PCC family has studied what James says about prayer this week, and since Brian will be teaching on prayer this upcoming Sunday, I though this might be a great resource.  

Let me know if this has meaning for you.  Will this help you focus your prayers for children?

It struck me that I need reminders during the day to be praying over my girls, and I decided to choose 7 events in a day that would remind me to do so. Then, I chose verses that had to do with that time of the day (for example: as my kids are getting dressed in the morning) and then I put them on notecards.

Here are the events and verses I chose:

1. When they wake up: “Let the morning bring (child’s name) word of your unfailing love, for she has put her trust in You. Show (her/him) the way (she/he) should go, for to you (he/she) lifts up her soul.” (Adapted from Psalm 143:8)

2. When they are getting dressed: “Therefore, as God’s chosen child, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Lord, help (him/her) bear with others and forgive whatever grievances (he/she) has against others. Help (him/her) forgive as the Lord forgave (him/her). And over all these virtues, help (him/her) put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” (Adapted from Colossians 3:12-14)

3. While they are eating: “Teach (child’s name) the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. Teach (him/her) that (he/she) can do everything through him who gives (him/her) strength.” (Adapted from Philippians 4:12-13)

4. When they go out of the house: “(Name of child), do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is-His good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Adapted from Romans 12:2)

5. While they are taking a bath: Lord, give (name of child) clean hands and a pure heart, and let (him/her) not lift (his/her) soul to an idol or swear by what is false. Let (him/her) receive blessing from the Lord and vindication from God (his/her) Savior. Let (him/her) be part of the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, O God of Jacob. (Adapted from Psalm 24:4-6)

6. When they are going to bed: “The Lord Your God is with you; he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, be will rejoice over you with singing.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

7. While they are sleeping: “I pray that (name of child) will do everything without complaining or arguing, so that he/she may become blameless and pure, a child of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which he/she shines like a star in the universe as he/she holds out the word of life-in order that he/she may boast on the day of Christ that he/she did not run or labor for nothing.” (Adapted from Philippians 2:14-16)

You can read Angie’s blog here; check it out!